Trump Gets Eyelid Tattoos After “Sleeping” Photos
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following viral photos appearing to show Donald Trump asleep during a televised Oval Office event, sources claim the president has officially undergone a cosmetic procedure to tattoo realistic open eyes onto his eyelids. According to insiders, the idea was inspired by Strange Wilderness, where a character paints eyes on his eyelids to […]
Mark Zuckerberg Briefly Malfunctions After Water Spilled On Him During Press Conference
MENLO PARK, CA — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg experienced a temporary malfunction Tuesday afternoon after a small amount of water was accidentally spilled on him during a press conference addressing the company’s latest round of layoffs due to the VR branch closing down. According to attendees, Zuckerberg had been outlining Meta’s “streamlined efficiency roadmap” when […]
Artemis II Re-Enters Space After Seeing Price of Gas
In a move that feels both unexpected and completely understandable, the Artemis program has officially turned around and headed back into space after a brief reconsideration of life on Earth. According to early reports, the breaking point came when mission data included current gas prices. The program, led by NASA, was designed to return humans […]
Japanese Sex Robots Also Won’t Do Anal
Tokyo, Japan – Decades ago, there were books, television shows, and movies that predicted what today might be like. Flying cars, vacations to space, and dinners that come in the size of a pill were what writers used to think would be a big part of our lives today. However, we have not seen any […]
Carnival Cruise Line Guests Stumble upon Cannibalistic Tribe
Cozumel – There are many reasons one may never go on a cruise. Fear of falling overboard, becoming seasick, claustrophobia; these are all reasons that may cause one to refrain from hitting the open seas for gambling, drinking, and entertainment. A recent Carnival Cruise line stopped by Cozumel’s port of call for fun in the sun. Some […]
Godzilla Shows up in Rio Just Weeks Before 2016 Olympics
Rio de Janeiro – With less than a month until the 2016 Olympics, Rio is falling apart. Body parts have shown up on the beaches where some of the games will be held, olympians are choosing not to attend the games because of health scares, and now one of the largest, both physically and figuratively, […]
682 People Hit by Cars While Playing Pokémon Go; So Far
It’s been less than a week since Pokémon Go came out and the augmented reality mobile game has already taken over Australia, New Zealand, and the United States. Sixty percent of Android users are playing the game for almost an hour every day, the number of daily users is almost equal to that of Twitter, […]
IKEA Founder Dead at 90; Surviving Family Forced to Build Coffin from Scratch
Småland, Sweden – Igvar Feodor Kamprad, the founder of the billion-dollar furniture brand IKEA, passed away yesterday morning peacefully in his home. The business magnate had been ill for the past few weeks and was released from Findabar Hospital on Wednesday to live the rest of his time at home. Kamprad was surrounded by his […]
