New York, NY — In what might be the boldest editorial shrug in publishing history, Time Magazine has officially named the un escalator of New York City its 2025 Person of the Year. Yes, you read that right. Not “the escalator,” because that would at least imply function. The un escalator—a staircase once destined for moving, now standing perfectly still—has been honored for, well, doing absolutely nothing. Which, frankly, is more than most people accomplished this year.
The decision follows the now-infamous incident where the escalator in Midtown gave up halfway through its job, forcing commuters to confront two terrifying realities: gravity and their own cardio limitations. Videos of New Yorkers wheezing up three steps before clutching the railing went viral, while one brave soul was heard muttering, “This is it, this is how I go out.” Unlike politicians, billionaires, or influencers, the un escalator united us all—through equal-opportunity suffering.
According to Time, the editorial board had simply run out of suitable humans. “We looked at the global stage, but honestly, everyone was either indicted, canceled, or just aggressively unlikable,” said one anonymous editor. “Then we saw this escalator, stoic in its refusal to budge, and thought… yes. This is our leader now.” It’s the first time the honor has gone to an inanimate object, though insiders confirm next year’s shortlist includes “That One Pigeon Who Survived the Subway Flood” and “A Half-Charged Citi Bike.”
So congratulations to the un escalator, a true symbol of our times: overpromising, underdelivering, and leaving the rest of us sweaty, angry, and still late to work. New York has never been prouder.