Cape Canaveral, FL — In a remarkable display of human achievement, discipline, and the ability to survive freeze-dried spinach, eight highly trained astronauts are now headed to the International Space Station for an eight-month mission.
The launch, part of SpaceX Crew-12, was coordinated by NASA in partnership with SpaceX, and includes some of the world’s most accomplished scientific minds.
Among them:
• Jessica Meir – veteran astronaut, marine biologist, and person who can casually say “spacewalk” in a sentence without irony.
• Sophie Adenot – European Space Agency astronaut, engineer, and certified overachiever.
• Andrey Fedyaev – experienced Russian cosmonaut, orbital systems specialist.
• Plus additional crew members already aboard the ISS continuing Expedition operations.
Each astronaut underwent years of training, simulations, survival drills, and advanced scientific preparation.
And then there’s Dave.
Dave, 37, is a recruiter from Massachusetts who reportedly “just really needed some space.”
“ I’m not sure how I got here,” Dave clarified while adjusting a slightly wrinkled NASA jumpsuit. “I applied as a joke, and they took me in. It works for me. I need some space from my career, politics, the Kardashians,” he continued. He then laughed at saying the word space.
Sources confirm Dave has no formal training in orbital mechanics but does possess:
• A decade of Boolean search experience
• Advanced burnout
• A deep emotional reaction to quarterly hiring targets
• The ability to mute himself quickly on Zoom
Mission officials stated that while the astronauts will be conducting microgravity experiments, materials research, and medical studies, Dave will be focusing on “internal reflection and not answering Slack.”
“I just needed eight months where no one asks me about PTO accrual, tax documents, or whether we can ‘circle back’ on anything,” Dave said while staring peacefully at Earth from orbit. “Up here, the only pipeline I’m managing is oxygen.”
NASA representatives declined to confirm how Dave boarded the capsule but noted that “technically, he did say he needed space, and we took that seriously.”
Back on Earth, coworkers report that Dave’s out-of-office reply reads:
“I am currently out of the atmosphere with limited access to email. If urgent, please redirect gravity.”
Meanwhile, the real astronauts continue to perform historic research advancing humanity’s understanding of science, medicine, and long-duration space travel — occasionally glancing over to see Dave floating past with a Capri Sun pouch whispering, “No deadlines up here, baby.”
The mission is expected to last eight months.
Dave has requested nine.