BURLINGTON, VT — After Jerry Greenfield announced his departure from Ben & Jerry’s, the ice cream world briefly melted down before learning that Vermont’s own Senator Bernie Sanders would step into the role. Sanders, who has long been associated with fighting for the 99%, is now expected to fight for 99% cocoa in the company’s new chocolate line.
At a press conference held in front of a freezer aisle, Sanders declared, “For too long, billionaires have controlled the flavors we eat. I will ensure every American has access to affordable, high-quality ice cream, whether you like it chunky or smooth.” He then unveiled his first pint concept: “Rocky Road to Economic Equality.”
Industry insiders are divided on the move. Some say Sanders is the perfect fit to carry on Jerry’s legacy of mixing social justice into every scoop. Others worry he’ll replace sprinkles with policy white papers and hold filibusters in the toppings bar. Unilever, the parent company, offered a cautious thumbs-up, noting that Sanders’ mittens will be repurposed as limited-edition pint cozies.
Meanwhile, fans are already lining up outside Ben & Jerry’s scoop shops, hoping to be the first to taste rumored new flavors such as “Tax the Rich Toffee Crunch” and “Medicare for All Mint.” One supporter summed it up best: “Finally, an ice cream that doesn’t just fight brain freeze—it fights for me.”