Ted Cruz Drops out of Race; Plans to Focus on “Being a Real Boy”

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Indianapolis, IN – Last night, Ted Cruz announced that he was dropping out of the presidential race. After losing to Trump by a landslide in the Railroad City, the Texas senator decided it was time to throw in the towel. Cruz couldn’t just retire from the race, however, while hugging a member of his campaign, he managed to elbow his wife in the face.

In a follow-up interview, the Canadian politician was questioned on why he was dropping out of the race. Although many spectators thought it was due to Trump’s bullying, along with the world’s bullying, Cruz mentioned he wanted to “focus on being a real boy.” Viewers were confused, but didn’t ask any questions. After all, it was just Ted Cruz saying another weird thing.

There has been a lot of speculation that Cruz may in fact be the notorious Zodiac killer. And while he still might be, it was just disclosed that Cruz is actually a wooden puppet. Mister Geppetto, a woodworker who lives in a small village outside of Montreal, actually built Cruz out of some spare wood he was going to throw out. Within a few days, the full moon came out and the puppet came to life. While Gepetto was out at a woodworking convention, the puppet watched CNN for a straight week and eventually became the terrifying creature now known as Ted Cruz. As Geppetto is a Trump fan, he threatened to tell the world the truth about Cruz if he didn’t drop out. Now we know the truth.