Trump Announces Hitler Hologram as Running Mate

Washington, DC - As the country waits to see if Hillary Clinton picks Bernie Sanders as her running mate, republican nutcase Donald Trump has announced his running mate. The...

14 Dead, 56 Wounded in Allston’s Largest Fixie Bike Pile-Up

Allston, MA - The city of Allston is known for one thing: hipsters. If you've ever been to this Boston neighborhood, you probably noticed the amount of mustaches, record...

McDonald’s Protestors Stop at McDonald’s for Lunch

Oak Brook, IL - It's been months now since fast-food workers started protesting. Employees from McDonald's and other fast-food chains all across the country have been fighting to make...

Senate Passes Keystone Pipeline; Thousands of College Students Celebrate the New Delivery System

Washington, D.C – Amid a crowd of rambunctious college males, the senate announced that the Keystone Pipeline has passed. “It was a close vote, but the America Senate has...

Barack Obama Admits to Creating Cronut to Distract Americans from Economic Struggles

Washington, DC - Although America recently fell out of first place to Mexico as the fattest country in the world, the country still gets excited over a new food...

Study Shows Uranus Is Too Dirty to Live on

Cannes, FR - Over the last few months, aeronautical agencies have been making the headlines of newspapers and other media outlets all over the world. The ESA managed to land...

Coca-Cola Paid by Diabetes Medication Companies to Bring Surge Back

Atlanta, GA - By now you probably know that Coca-Cola has brought back Surge; a product of theirs from the 90s that was loaded with sugar and was a competitor...

Plans for iPhone 7 Leaked; Phone Will Be Same Size as 13-inch MacBook Pro

Silicon Valley, CA - The news of the upcoming iPhone 6 was just released to the world and the debate between Apple's phone and Samsung's Galaxy phone has been...

Sallie Mae to Offer Courses in Drug Dealing and Prostitution so You Can Pay...

Newark, DE - If you've graduated from college over the last decade you know how high tuition has gotten and you also know how hard it's been to find...

Barack Obama Shifts His Focus to Hazelnut Shortage

Washington, D.C. - There's a lot going on in America right now and President Barack Obama has been criticized for taking off to Martha's Vineyard to vacation with his...

McDonald’s Announces New McSlender Menu Thanks to Tapeworms

Oak Brook, Il- McDonald's is introducing their new "McSlender Menu " to the three cities with the highest obesity percentages in the United States: Huntington-Ashland, Ohio, McCallen, ...

Popularity of Ice Bucket Challenge Reversing Global Warming

Nashville, TN - If you've been on Facebook in the past few weeks, there's a good chance you've seen at least one video of someone dumping a bucket of...

Study Shows 70% of Domestic Abuse Is Caused by IKEA

Boston, MA - A recent study done at Harvard University showed some very unfortunate results. Jake Richards, a Criminal Justice student, wanted to do his thesis on domestic abuse...

Michelle Obama Says Fuck It; Found Eating at McDonald’s

Washington, D.C. - Since her husband's first term in the White House, Michelle Obama has also fought to help make this country better. She has focused on education and obesity...

America to Take Back Title of World’s Fattest Country

Washington, D.C. - In an effort to be number one at anything and everything, the United States is working on fattening itself up so it can take back the title...