Time Magazine Names Broken Escalator Person of the Year, Humanity Officially Benched
New York, NY — In what might be the boldest editorial shrug in publishing history, Time Magazine has officially named the un escalator of New York City its 2025 Person of the Year. Yes, you read that right. Not “the escalator,” because that would at least imply function. The un escalator—a staircase once destined for […]
From Senate to Sundaes: Bernie Sanders Steps In at Ben & Jerry’s
BURLINGTON, VT — After Jerry Greenfield announced his departure from Ben & Jerry’s, the ice cream world briefly melted down before learning that Vermont’s own Senator Bernie Sanders would step into the role. Sanders, who has long been associated with fighting for the 99%, is now expected to fight for 99% cocoa in the company’s […]
Trans-Siberian Orchestra Banned from White House
Washington, D.C. – It has only been a week since the election and the United States is still trying to grasp the idea of having Trump for another four years. Even though Biden is still the leader of the free world until the end of the year, but Trump is already starting to make moves […]
“I Got a Dog. Are You Happy Now?” Trump Announces to Country
Washington, DC – Reality television host turned 45th president, Donald Trump, has a lot to apologize. The way the New York native responded to the devastation in Puerto Rico, how he has underplayed the pandemic, the way he has handled the peaceful protests revolving the Black Lives Matter movement, the illegal actions he has put […]
Confused Trump Sends Military to Ben Gibbard’s House to Ban New Postal Service Music
Seattle, WA – A few weeks ago, Donald Trump set his sights on his next target: The U.S. Postal Service. Since his term started almost four years ago, the 45th president has come after organizations such as NATO, as well as companies like Twitter. The New York native is taking this next vendetta to “Such […]
American Bald Eagle Relocates to Canada
Homer, AK – There is a lot going on in the United States. The reality-television host turned 45th president has handled a pandemic in the worst possible way, police brutality and an uprising in White Supremacy have shaken its residents, and the way the way immigration is addressed Samuel Wingman, an American Bald Eagle in […]
Trans-Siberian Orchestra Banned from White House
Washington, D.C. – Even though Halloween is still over a month away, Christmas music is already in full swing. Cars, offices, and headphones across the world are already starting to play holidays-themed songs by Hanson, N’SYNC, and Mariah Carey. And, of course, Trans-Siberan Orchestra has announced their Christmas tour. The Floridian rock-band will be making […]
Kim Jong-Un Remaking Space Jam Starring Dennis Rodman
North Korea – Lucy and Ethel. Thelma and Louise. Romy and Michelle. These are some of the greatest friendships we have seen over the last two centuries. One of the more recent ones, however, is the one of North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un and former NBA star Dennis Rodman. Over the past few years, Jong-Un […]