J.D. Vance Mishap With Friends Couch Causes Chaos at 99th Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
NEW YORK CITY — The 99th Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade took an unexpected turn Thursday when the brand-new J.D. Vance balloon drifted off course and bumped directly into the Friends couch float, instantly going viral as #PivotVance. Witnesses say handlers lost control for just a moment, sending the towering balloon Vice President tilting forward and […]
Trump Pushes for “Spice World 2,” Says It’s “The Movie the World Needs Right Now”
Washington, D.C. – Fresh off reportedly helping push Rush Hour 4 into production, a claim that surprised Hollywood insiders and mildly concerned economists, Donald Trump has now set his sights on another cinematic crusade. He is trying to convince the world that Spice World 2 is the cultural priority of our time. While analysts hoped […]
McDonald’s Monopoly Returns, Giving Humanity a Brief Beacon of Light
After years of global uncertainty, existential dread, and the kind of inflation that makes a McDouble feel like a luxury item, McDonald’s has returned to the rescue of humanity’s collective spirit. Yes, McDonald’s Monopoly is back—offering the world a brief, greasy glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, this year we’ll finally win free fries […]
Nicole Kidman Heads to AMC Post-Divorce, Proving “Heartbreak Feels Good in a Place Like This”
New York, NY — After nearly two decades of marriage, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have officially called it quits. While most celebrities retreat to yoga retreats or tropical islands post-divorce, Kidman did what only Kidman could: she walked straight into an AMC theater. It’s poetic symmetry, really—she and Urban may be over, but her […]
Time Magazine Names Broken Escalator Person of the Year, Humanity Officially Benched
New York, NY — In what might be the boldest editorial shrug in publishing history, Time Magazine has officially named the un escalator of New York City its 2025 Person of the Year. Yes, you read that right. Not “the escalator,” because that would at least imply function. The un escalator—a staircase once destined for […]
From Senate to Sundaes: Bernie Sanders Steps In at Ben & Jerry’s
BURLINGTON, VT — After Jerry Greenfield announced his departure from Ben & Jerry’s, the ice cream world briefly melted down before learning that Vermont’s own Senator Bernie Sanders would step into the role. Sanders, who has long been associated with fighting for the 99%, is now expected to fight for 99% cocoa in the company’s […]