Boston Residents “Wicked Pissed” After Meteor Too Small to Wipe Them Out
BOSTON, MA — Thousands of Boston residents reported feelings of disappointment, frustration, and mild inconvenience this week after astronomers confirmed that a recently spotted meteor would pass safely by Earth rather than deliver the sweet release many commuters had quietly hoped for. The meteor, initially described online as “potentially significant,” generated excitement across Greater Boston before […]
Trump Gets Eyelid Tattoos After “Sleeping” Photos
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following viral photos appearing to show Donald Trump asleep during a televised Oval Office event, sources claim the president has officially undergone a cosmetic procedure to tattoo realistic open eyes onto his eyelids. According to insiders, the idea was inspired by Strange Wilderness, where a character paints eyes on his eyelids to […]
Mark Zuckerberg Briefly Malfunctions After Water Spilled On Him During Press Conference
MENLO PARK, CA — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg experienced a temporary malfunction Tuesday afternoon after a small amount of water was accidentally spilled on him during a press conference addressing the company’s latest round of layoffs due to the VR branch closing down. According to attendees, Zuckerberg had been outlining Meta’s “streamlined efficiency roadmap” when […]
Artemis II Re-Enters Space After Seeing Price of Gas
In a move that feels both unexpected and completely understandable, the Artemis program has officially turned around and headed back into space after a brief reconsideration of life on Earth. According to early reports, the breaking point came when mission data included current gas prices. The program, led by NASA, was designed to return humans […]
Heated Rivalry Duo Named Official Spokesmen for Cottage Cheese
In what experts are calling “the most aggressive dairy rebrand since milk tried to be cool in 2003,” Heated Rivalry stars Connor Story and Hudson Williams have officially been named the new faces of cottage cheese. Yes, cottage cheese, the lumpy underdog of the dairy aisle that somehow woke up one morning and decided it […]
LEGO Announces “Ace Ventura Rhino Escape Set” and Adults Are Here for It
In a move that feels both reckless and inevitable, The Lego Group has announced a collector’s set based on the infamous rhino scene from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. Yes, the one where Jim Carrey slowly and aggressively exits the back of a mechanical rhino while the audience collectively questions everything. The timing isn’t random. […]
