McDonald’s Monopoly Returns, Giving Humanity a Brief Beacon of Light
After years of global uncertainty, existential dread, and the kind of inflation that makes a McDouble feel like a luxury item, McDonald’s has returned to the rescue of humanity’s collective spirit. Yes, McDonald’s Monopoly is back—offering the world a brief, greasy glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, this year we’ll finally win free fries […]
Nicole Kidman Heads to AMC Post-Divorce, Proving “Heartbreak Feels Good in a Place Like This”
New York, NY — After nearly two decades of marriage, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have officially called it quits. While most celebrities retreat to yoga retreats or tropical islands post-divorce, Kidman did what only Kidman could: she walked straight into an AMC theater. It’s poetic symmetry, really—she and Urban may be over, but her […]
Time Magazine Names Broken Escalator Person of the Year, Humanity Officially Benched
New York, NY — In what might be the boldest editorial shrug in publishing history, Time Magazine has officially named the un escalator of New York City its 2025 Person of the Year. Yes, you read that right. Not “the escalator,” because that would at least imply function. The un escalator—a staircase once destined for […]
From Senate to Sundaes: Bernie Sanders Steps In at Ben & Jerry’s
BURLINGTON, VT — After Jerry Greenfield announced his departure from Ben & Jerry’s, the ice cream world briefly melted down before learning that Vermont’s own Senator Bernie Sanders would step into the role. Sanders, who has long been associated with fighting for the 99%, is now expected to fight for 99% cocoa in the company’s […]
Aunt Gladys Is Spirit Halloween’s Hottest Costume of the Year
Boston, MA Move over sexy nurse, there’s a new queen of Halloween. Spirit Halloween reports that its top-selling costume so far this year is none other than Aunt Gladys from the horror movie Weapons. The bizarre character—known for her haunting stare, oversized glasses, and inexplicable accessories—has sparked a cultural moment no one saw coming. According […]
After All-Woman Crew’s Historic Space Trip, Marvel Sends ‘Fantastic Four’ Cast to Space for Promo
“If six women can go to space for science, four actors can go for clout,” says Marvel rep. In a bold, deeply unnecessary move, Marvel Studios has announced that the four stars of its upcoming Fantastic Four reboot will be launched into actual space “as part of a groundbreaking press tour.” The studio confirmed the […]