Los Angeles, CA – Renowned filmmaker, Michael Moore, has been banned from flying with all major airlines in the United States. The action comes after an incident on a United Airlines flight from Los Angles International Airport to JFK Airport in New York left four passengers in the hospital, and threatened the safety of all people on board. The plane reportedly experienced turbulence throughout the flight and as a result, captains kept the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign on for the entire trip.
Flight attendants report that around half way through the flight, Moore got up to go to the bathroom. When asked to remain in his seat, Moore began ranting about such rules as being a violation to his own personal right to get up when he wanted. While those present were unable to gather any reasonable thought from what Moore was babbling about, it is understood that he blamed a government conspiracy for keeping passengers in their seats at all times, and felt the need to fight back in order to spread awareness. Moore then proceeded to poop his pants in the most defiant act of fecal matter that United Airlines has ever seen.
Moore’s intentional “accident” had worse than negative effects. For the remaining two hours of the flight, passengers were nearly asphyxiated by the stench of Moore’s bowel movement. “The smell was overbearing. I don’t know how one man could produce something so horrendous,” passenger Bob Unger said. Oxygen masks were soon released, however, the safety of those aboard the plane rested with how long it would take for the smell to reach the pilots. Fortunately, pilots were able to hold their breath long enough to land the plane before passing out from the gas.
United Airlines has since paid for mandatory medical exams for all passengers aboard, and while most are unharmed, four passengers have been hospitalized due to extended exposure to the gas. One flight attendant stated, “It is for situations like these that we warn passengers to secure their own oxygen masks before helping others. Instead, these four passengers risked their lives trying to be the hero.”
When asked about the incident, Moore claimed that he “Didn’t smell anything that bad,” and that it was nothing compared to some of the other times he’s pooped his pants. He then went on to tell us that he plans to make a documentary about said conspiracy. He doesn’t know who will play him yet in the reenactments, but he’s thinking of John Goodman.