The Top 10 IOS 9 Features 

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1. Faster loading Internet for all of your porn needs

2. New emojis, including a Swastika and Lil Bub

3. Siri will sass you even more, but still can’t tell you where the closest Target is

4. Passwords now only need a capital letter, a lower case letter, fifteen different numbers, five symbols, a picture of your childhood pet, and another password including all of the mentioned characteristics

5. Constant reminders of when the Kardashians are on

6. Battery now lasts about five minutes longer, so it still doesn’t last the whole day

7. There’s now an album for Selfies, so you can be reminded of how conceited and self-centered you are

8. Find Friends now let’s you reconnect with old friends and alumni, and if they have no interest in reconnection, you can buy friends through Apple

9. iTunes has added the new Nickelback album at absolutely no cost for your listening pleasure

10. Transit now let’s you know what busses and trains have the least amount of hobo piss on them