Stoolbend, VA – In the sleepy town of Stoolbend, dozens of local volunteer firefights are being indicted on animal cruelty charges. In a sick ring of false heroism, nearly the entire volunteer force were caught hurling kittens into trees so they could then rescue them and make themselves look good for the city.
“I felt like it was a pretty good plan,” started firefighter Benny Donnabucci. “We found a bunch of cats in alleys and other places and thought we’d bring a little action to this small town.”
The current cat owners and animal rights activists are disgusted to learn about what the fire department has done. Some of the cats were found behind one of the Chinese restaurants in town. When asked about strange activity in the area, the restaurant owner, Rick Lee said, “No, we never have cat. Why everyone always think we have cat? Never cat anywhere!”
The firefighters have moved onto a new, less offensive projected called Park Puppies. A puppy mill and pickup service which allows men to rent a puppy for a few hours to take to the park to pick up women.