Denver, CO – Not only had it been a few months since things ended with his long-term girlfriend, but Jake Simpson also hadn’t gotten action since then. The mid-twenties Logistics Specialist was starting to get lonely, so he decided to take matters into his own hands. After work last week, the Illinois native stopped by an adult store and picked up a Fleshlight.

As he was leaving the store, he unfortunately ran into a group of his friends who grabbed his bag and found his new toy. Simpson immediately told his friends he got it “totally as a joke.” His friends made fun of him some more as they held it up in the street telling everyone in a one mile radius how pathetic their friend was. Simpson then grabbed the bag and ran back to his apartment.

Simpson couldn’t be reached for comment to find out if he did just get it for comedic purposes or out of completely loneliness. His boss told us he hasn’t been at work for a few days now and that Simspson called in saying he was, “Totally sick.”