Betsy DeVos Finally Learns Her ABCs

Washington, D.C. – It’s a big day for Betsy DeVos. This isn’t because she passed any bills to help our flawed educational system. It does have to do with education, though. The United States Secretary of Education has made a giant leap in her own education, as she has finally learned her ABCs!

“It’s been a journey,” the Michigan native told us. “I was honored to be granted this position by the great Donald Trump, but I wouldn’t have felt right in the role until I finally learned my ABCs. I hired a few Kindergarten teachers to help me with this process. They brought fun toys like learning blocks and quizzed me on a daily basis. The toughest part was the L-M-N-O-P section. I finally made it through all 26 letters yesterday and I couldn’t have been more excited. I was given a gold star for my completion of the alphabet and now I feel like I am finally ready to take on my role for this country.

DeVos plans on learning how to count to 1,000 next and might move onto colors after that. “Colors are tricky,” the Calvin College alumni told us. “There’s, like, different shades of blue and green and red. It’s crazy. This could easily take me like, this many times to learn it all,” DeVos told us while holding up five fingers.” We’re really pushing for DeVos in her learnings, not because we like her, but we want our future to not be ruined.