New York, NY – While almost everyone you know seems to be in an uproar over the recent report that the National Security Agency has been monitoring phone calls of private citizens, one fellow is downright giddy about it.
“I could kiss Edward Snowden, I really could.And I mean hard on the lips.” says Jason Mills of Lake Ronkonkama, NY. “I have been waiting for this miraculous day for years.”
Mills, 36, who has a new found love for the infamous whistleblower, also has a drinking problem. Therefore, he has missed out on various parts of his life due to what he calls “The Hennessey’s Haze”, his term for his frequent blackouts.
He now hopes that government can use some of their phone lists to help him piece together missing parts of his life.
“They say if Uncle Sam wants to find you, he will. Well, I want to find Uncle Sam.” Quipped Jason. “Our bearded symbol of liberty may just be able to tell me what happened on April 13, 2011 between 12:34 AM and somewhere about 3:45 AM. All I know is that I ended up with a crying, hysterical hooker and a dead ostrich in a hotel room. I have no idea why. Maybe these phone call records can help.”
If he can learn more about that night, he hopes the information that the government has collected can help also explain the tattoo on his left buttocks that says “Shemp”, as well as the four cars parked in various trees in his yard.