Cleveland, OH – It has been a busy summer for Lebron James, who, on July 11th sparked excitement throughout the city with the decision to return to play for the Cleveland Cavaliers. However, many fans have been surprised by the physical appearance of the self-proclaimed “King James”, who showed up to a meeting with Cavaliers coach David Blatt much slimmer than fans are accustomed to seeing him. While the guessing games begin over just what is causing James’ weight loss, Miami Heat officials have gleefully shed led on the star player’s situation: Kawhi Leonard called Lebron fat!
“It goes back to the Finals series against the [San Antonio] Spurs,” Miami Heat water-boy Wesley Carter claims. “In Game 3 Kawhi called him fat. Said that it was no wonder that Lebron cramped up in Game 1, because the human body can only support so much weight. It messed him up.” Multiple sources have confirmed this story, claiming that Kawhi’s constant nagging about James’ weight consumed Lebron’s thoughts to the point where he could not play. As a result, the Spurs destroyed the Heat in five games to win their fifth NBA Championship, with Leonard taking home the series MVP trophy. James could be seen crying about the insulting words on the bench at the end of game five, and reports claim that this occurred in the locker room after all previous games.
But wait, there’s more! According to Miami Heat officials, they did not even want James to return to the Heat, as he was annoying fellow teammates with constant questions such as, “Does this make my butt look big?” and “How many calories are in this Powerade?” In fact, many believe that the only reason Lebron returned to Cleveland was because the state of Ohio is consistently on the list of America’s Most Obese, a place where he feels “at home”. While family members were not concerned at first, they say that Lebron has taken a troubling turn for the worse, as he has completely cut food out of his diet, and is bribing neighbors with cupcakes in order to bulk them up and “be fat together”.
While questions still loom about whether or not this weight loss will affect James’ play, one thing is clear: Lebron does not like being called fat.