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How to Whale Watch

1. Get on a boat captained by a man who’s given a gender identity to a large piece of floating fiberglass and holds onto a handshake just a little too long

2. Listen to your sister’s boyfriend talk about how he doesn’t get seasick and used to go to his friend’s cousin’s aunt’s lake house like every summer

3. Watch your sisters boyfriend vomit violently

4. Stare off into the horizon and pretend not to notice the married couple getting into an overly heated argument about how he should just blow his nose instead of sniffling for hours on end

5. Realize you forgot sunscreen and convince yourself “I’ll be fine, I could use some color”

6. Eat the tuna sandwich your sister made and not say anything about her using the heels of the loaf for yours

7. Dwell on the fact that she gave you both heels of the loaf

8. Go to the bathroom and see your reflection and set a reminder on your phone to buy all the aloe CVS has because you got way too much of the wrong color

9. Come back to the deck and hear everyone talk about the one whale they might have seen while you were gone

10. Go home