Marietta, GA – When Bradley King Jr. was picked up from his Cobb county preschool yesterday afternoon, his tummy grumbled and his eyes welled up with tears. Perplexed and concerned, Bradley’s mother, Marta, embraced her son and calmed him until he was ready to voice his sorrows.
“Mrs. Melody ated my lunchbox,”
Bradley started as he burst into tears. At home, it was migraine-inducing chaos as the halls echoed the cries of a total god damned hissyfit, until a puffy-faced and emotionally drained Bradley ate his dinosaur chicken nuggets and celery sticks with peanut butter. As Marta watched her beloved little prince sip his tears away with Capri Sun, she devised today’s lesson plan, justice.
At approximately 10:45A.M., Jordana Melody, the teacher and thief, was rendered catatonic. Her face bright fucking blue, hands trembling, lips covered in a swirl of chocolate and vanilla Snak Pak pudding. She had found little Bradley’s lunch box. Marta, a teller at a local bank branch, rigged her son’s Transformers lunch box with several exploding dye packs. She made her son promise not to open his lunch box all day.
Bradley was promptly picked up by his mother and rewarded with two glorious scoops of ice cream. When reached for comment, Marta replied, “I don’t give a shit what her financial problems are, welcome to the club. She won’t be taking food out of my son’s mouth again if I have anything to say about it”.
Mrs. Melody is currently being treated at Atlanta’s Northside Hospital. She has been placed on unpaid leave. It looks like she’ll be stealing patient lunches for a while.