New York, NY – In his latest comeback, Derek Jeter arrived in Toronto, at The Rogers Centre in an armored motorcade the likes that would make President Obama’s look like the bus arrival at a rural Alabama high school. Jeter himself was then carried from the vehicle by armed guard and gingerly placed into a hyperbaric chamber, filled with air from both the Rocky Mountains and a small remote island south of Papua New Guinea. When asked about the extreme measures to protect the long time Yankee short stop, Manager Joe Girardi had this to say “We see Derek as more than just a player for us. He’s like family round here, and you do anything to keep family healthy.”

A family member indeed, similar to the overpriced purebred you grew up with whose lost a step or two over the years, and doesn’t quite look at a jar of peanut butter the same way he used to, the question must soon be asked about when we let the poor thing go to uncle Steinbrenners farm upstate. The man is constantly one swing away from baseball immortality, but one late night trip to the bathroom from a stub of the toe so bad, that Achilles himself would say “Really bro? That’s what took you out?”

Sources close to Jeter say he’s recently viewed Jake Gyllenhall’s 2001 film, “Bubble Boy”, and hasn’t stopped calling Under Armour, Nike, Reebok, and even FUBU asking if they have anything similar and in pinstripes. So far only FUBU has replied saying only “Everything we make now comes in pinstripes, and government issue orange.”